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It’s hard out here for a platinum pimp! Thank you @FredericMennetrier for touching up my blonde!

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Mar 9, 2015 at 5:17am PDT
“Haley,” Jazmine asked me last week, “Why is Kim Kardashian getting her hair dyed again? Didn’t she just get it done? Why is it, as she says, hard out there for a platinum pimp?” And I was honestly so glad she asked because I love talking about my hair, my hair is my greatest achievement in life, I’m assuming that is the reason Kim K. copied my look, because she sees the real joy that comes from a well-maintained and artfully-tousled head of bleached blonde hair.

What is my secret, you ask? Why is Kim getting her hair done yet again? WELL:

The thing about bleached blonde hair is that it is fucking ugly as shit. Sorry!! Bleach contains some of the worst chemicals on the planet, I’m pretty sure, and as the name implies it is a powerful stripping agent that, like, petrifies the color out of your strands of hair, or something. I don’t really know how it works. I just know it is dangerous and powerful and you probably shouldn’t inhale it or get it on your actual skin, but that doesn’t stop me from periodically rubbing it all over my scalp for beauty purposes.

The bleach is not really how you achieve the luxurious and stylish blonde hair that makes you look super cool. It’s the toner, the follow-up step too often neglected in this process. Without toner, the bleach wants to turn your hair yellow or green within, like, one shampoo. Bleach is a bitch that wants to turn against you. Toner is how you defend and protect your hotness. So, when Kim was taking that selfie, I’m assuming her hairdresser was giving her hair a touch-up tone, and by assuming I mean that’s definitely what she texted me, because we are very good friends who communicate frequently.

Depending on your coloring and your Blonde Ambitions™ you’ll want a toner with a bit of a tint to it; blue for very white-blonde, purple or pink for a nice dusty-white blonde. I find purple to be the most flattering undertone for my skin because it neutralizes both red and yellow, so my hair and skin look nice and even.

I care way, way more about the toner than I do about the bleach. I’m not really a blonde who cares a lot about roots because, like, who am I trying to kid; the point here is to not look like a natural blonde. That’s also why I’ve never bothered dying my eyebrows. Like, it’s a look.

But we are not all Kim K. and we can not all afford regular salon toners in between runway shows at Paris Fashion Week. Instead, I alternate between two purple conditioners: Aveda Blue Malva Conditioner and Christophe Robin Shade Variation Care.